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dancingpaws
PLEASE no angry hate mail from twilight obsessed fans. Things i found funny OR just liked: STUPIDITY killed the cat! CURIOSITY was framed! :O *stand infront of TV when grandad is watching something* 'Abi you make a better door than you do a window' Levels of stupidity: 1)talks to self 2)argues with self 3)looses argument with self 4)is no longer speaking to self A duck walks into a shop 'You got any bread?' it asked 'No' the woman behind the counter replied. 'Oh, You got any bread?' it asked again 'No' she replied again 'Aww, You got any bread?' it asked again The woman behind the counter sighed. 'If you ask again ill nail your foot to the floor!' she threatened 'I see,' the duck replied. 'You got any nails?' 'NO!' the woman screamed. 'You got any bread then?' A man walked into a fish and chip shop 'Can i have cod and chips?' he asked 'Sorry were out of cod' the woman replied. 'Do you want something else instead?' The man paused. 'Yeah. Ill have some cod please' The woman looked confused. 'We havent got any cod sir' she said again The man looked so sad that the woman felt sorry for him. 'Ill get you anything else for free. What do you want with your chips sir?' she offered. The man paused. 'How about some cod?' The woman sighed. 'Listen. Take the H out of Haddock. What do you get?' she asked 'Addock' the man replied 'Good' the woman said. 'Now take the T out of Tuna. What do you get?' 'Una?' the man replied confused. 'Good. Now take the F out of Cod' the woman said smiling again 'Theres no Fin cod' the man replied. 'Exactly' the woman replied. A blonde walked into an appliance store, picked up an appliance and walked to the counter. 'I want to buy this TV' she said. 'Im sorry we dont serve blondes' the man behind the counter said 'I WANT to buy this TV' the blonde repeated. 'We. Dont. Serve. Blondes.' the man repeated. The blonde went away and died her hair red. She went back to the shop. 'I want to buy this TV' she said. 'Sorry we dont serve blondes' the man replied again 'But I DYED my hair!' the blonde shrieked The man shrugged The blonde left the store exasperated. She proceded to shave her head bald. Returning to the store she said. 'I want to buy this TV' The man sighed. 'For the last time miss, we dont serve blondes.' The blonde growled. 'But i shaved my hair! how do you know im blonde?!' she demanded 'That TV your trying to buy? Its a microwave' the man replied smirking 'My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch' *Piper walks to stairs* *piper falls over* *pipers spirit gets up and discovers her own body* 'Oh shit am i dead AGAIN?' I understand that scissors can beat paper, and i get how rock can beat scissors but theres NO WAY that paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock leaving it immobile? if so, then why cant paper do this to scissors? Srew scissors! Why cant paper do this to people?! Why arnt sheets of college rules notepaper suffocating students as they attempts to take notes in class?! Ill tell you why, because paper cant beat anybody! A rock would tear he crap up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors I always choose rock, then, when someone claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say 'Oh, sorry! I thought your paper would protect you! Jack-ass' Weird is good, strange is bad, odd is when you dont know what to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as strange. So weird is good! :) He who laughs last thinks the slowest If two wrongs dont make a right. Try three ;) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them , youll be a mile away. And have their shoes. 1 out of every 4 people is insane. Look at your 3 best friends. If its not them. Its you Apparently one in 5 people in the world is chinese. There are 5 of us in my family so it must be one of them. Either its my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Then again it could be my younger brother. Hu-Chan-Chu. I think its Colliin. I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrows not looking too good either What are the three words guarenteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold. My. Purse' Parents spend the first few years of our lives teaching us to walk and talk. Then the rest of it telling us to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP! One fine day in the middle of the night. Two dead boys got up 2 fight. Back to back they faced each other. Drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise., And came to kill the two dead boys. Dont believe my tale is true? Ask the blind man. He saw it too..... 'I see!' said the blind man as he walked into a lampost You know its going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor. Friends will comfort you when he rejects you. BEST friends will march up to him and demand. 'Its because your GAY isnt it?' Friends will help you find your prince BEST friends will kidnap him and bring him to you. Friends will offer you a drink BEST friends will chuck theirs over you. Friends will lend you their umbrella in the rain. BEST friends will nick your and yell RUN BITCH RUN! Friends will never ask for anything to eat of drink. BEST friends are the reason you have no food Friends will bail you out of jail. BEST freinds will be sitting next to you thinking 'FUCK we messed that up!' One day Mrs Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. 'Reverand,' she says. 'I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep in your sermons, its very embarrasing. What should I do?' 'I have an idea.' Said the minister. 'Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr Jones is sleeping and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion to you. Give him a good poke in the leg with the hatpin' In church the following Sunday, Mr Jones dozed off. Noticing this the preacher put his plan to work. 'And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?' he asked the congregation motioning to Mrs Jones. 'JESUS!' Mr Jones cried as his wife poked him in the leg with the hatpin. 'Yes, you are right Mr Jones.' said the minister. Soon Mr Jones nodded off again. Again the minister noticed. 'Who is your redeemer?' he asked the congregation. Motioning to Mrs Jones. 'GOD!' MR Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin again. 'Right again' said the minister smiling. Before long Mr Jones had dozed off again. However this time the minister DID NOT notice. As the minister got into the tempo of his sermon he made a few motions that Mrs Jones mistook as signalls to poke her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked. 'And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore his 99th son?' Mrs Jones poked her husband again who yelled, 'YOU STICK THAT GOD DAMNED THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND ILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!' 'Amen' replied the congregation.
wrong way up soz lol stories im writing at the moment: (verry short blurbs) Seen through blue eyes: The story of an orphan girl who is blood heir to the throne of Russia. She gets passed around from family to family as the people who are looking after are always murdered. She is under constant danger from her brother Phillipe who wants the throne for himself. Bite Me: The story of a girl who moves to America and gets bitten by vampire bats and learn theres more to life than living. She rises to power in the underworld and becomes queen. A Nameless Face: Story of a tribal princess bound to tradition who falls in love with the very thing her people are against. A man. She must either pick the life of a queen, with people, power and riches and carry on her tribes legacy. OR she can run away with Crow, her secret lover. Its the story of how she picks her name. Fly Like A Bird: Sequel to A Nameless Face. Having picked legacy over love Queen Melody rules with a playdoh fist and a heart of honey. But when the threat of battle comes to her tribe she must wise up and fight. However the King of the man tribe is the very person she is trying to forget all about. King Crow. Can she defeat her would be lover? Or will love take her over again. The Inevitable: Molly, a witch has ignored her powers and her calling for years. Ever since her parents died protecting the craft. But when dark shadows rise and threaten the life she has made for herself, she has to decide. Cower in fear and die a chicken or stand up, embrace her destiny, save her family and freinds to die a hero. Either way, the end is inevitable. I have always loved the idea of magic and hav done A LOT of research about it in my odd minutes of spare time :D Thats how I know so much about it. I especially love the idea of witches having watched every episode of every series of Charmed faithfully. ((I even own all 8 series' on DVD now!!)) Don't hate on me for my lack of beliefs but I am an athiest having tried religion and found they are sooo not for me. But I don't try to enforce opinions onto people and I don't like people trying to enforce their opinions onto me. I will always listen to people. Best ballet tips: When en pointe make sure not to let your shoulders show the pain you must appear to be fine and although your feet are in agony you must not show it in your expression or your movements. Best tap tips: Make sure that in a simple, double and triple timestep when you do a bull change that your foot crosses BEHIND your leg. Best modern tips: Make sure that when your arms are in modern second that they are slightly behind your body. To get this exhale and pull your ribcage in and you should get the desired effects. Best jazz tips: When in inverted attitude make sure that your legs are parralell to the walls around you and your arm is in second. The most amazing song on Youtube!! <-- Prudence Halliwell ((Can move things with her mind)) ~ Died in season 3. ((Actress - Shannen Doherty)) <-- Piper Halliwell. ((Can freeze time and blow things up with her hands)) ~ Mother to Wyatt Halliwell and Chris Halliwell. Married to Leo Wyatt. ((Actress - Holly Marie Combs)) <-- Phoebe Halliwell. ((Physcic and has the power of levitation)) ~ Married to Cole the scource of all evil and was once his queen. Divorced him and got her life back on track in season 5. ((Actress - Alyssa Milano)) <-- Paige Matthews. ((Whitelighter - Has the power to orb where she wants and calls things to her)). ~ Has the same mother as Phoebe, Piper and Pru but has a different father. Her father was her mothers whitelighter and when she was born she had to be given away and adopted because of the rules against whitelighters and witches marrying. Re-united with Piper and Phoebe at Pru's funeral. Re-formed the power of three and moved into the manor in season 3-4. ((Actress - Rose McGowan)) <-- Leo Wyatt. ((Whitelighter)) ~ Married against the rules to Piper Halliwell. Father or Chris Halliwell and Wyatt Halliwell. When he was alive he was a doctor and a soldier in the war.((Actor - Brian Krause)) <-- Cole Turner. ((Demon, former source of all evil)). ~ Married to Phoebe and father of her unborn child. Kidnapped Phoebe and took her to the underworld and made her his queen when he was the scource of all evil. Piper, and Paige vanquished him and Phoebe's demon child dissapeared in her stomach. He came back to life when Phoebe was signing the divorce papers. Finally divorced Phoebe but will do anything to get her back ((including kill numerous innocents)). ((Actor - Julian Mcmahon)) <-- Wyatt Halliwell. ((Many powers)) ~ Son of Piper and Leo and older brother to Chris Halliwell. ((Actors - The simmons twins. ~ there were 2 actors as they are babies)) <-- Chris Halliwell. ((Powers unknown)) ~ Son on Piper and Leo and younger brother to Wyatt Halliwell. ((Actor - unknown)) <-- 'Patty' Halliwell - ((Powers unknown)) ~ Mother of Paige, Pru, Piper and Phoebe. Died before they got their powers. Comes back to guide the girls ever so often. ((Actress - Finola Hughes)) <-- 'Grams' Halliwell - ((Many powers)) ~Grandmother of Paige, Pru, Piper and Phoebe Halliwell and mother to 'Patty' Halliwell. Died before the series began but comes back to guide the girls often. ((Actress - Jennifer Rhodes)) <-- Sam Matthews- ((Whitelighter)) ~Father of paige Matthews and 'Patty' Halliwells whitelighter. Paige's first charge. ((Actor - Unknown)) <-- Series 1, 2 & 3 <-- Series 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8 The Charmed Family Tree: Charlotte Warren | Melinda Warren | Unknown | The Cousins- Pheobe Russal Prue Baxter Piper Bowen | Penny Halliwell | Victor Halliwell<--Patty Halliwell-->Sam Matthews | | Prue Piper and Leo Phoebe Paige | Wyatt and Chris its not exact sence really no one knows who married who and then came who so its just basically just the girls in order of when they were born My heros:
Latest page update: Mar 1 2009, 1:27 PM EST
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